There was a stretch, when my kids were young, where I was saying yes to things I had no intention of keeping. School concerts. Dinners. Weekend plans. I would say yes because it was easier than saying no, and then I would cancel when something came up at work.
The kids figured it out before I admitted it.
What I started noticing
Josie stopped asking if I was coming. She started asking whether I was really coming. That shift in the question told me everything. She had already learned to treat my yes as a maybe. That is not a great thing to teach your child.
I sat with that for a while. Not thinking about anything profound. Just sitting with the fact that my kids had already figured out what I was pretending was not true: I was choosing work over them, and they knew it.
What I actually changed
I did not have some dramatic overhaul. I did not quit my job or rearrange my entire life. I did one thing: I stopped saying yes when I meant maybe.
If I could not make something, I told Josie, Kyan, and Sydney the truth. “I can’t make this one, but I’ll be at the next one.” And then I showed up at the next one. Every time.
It turns out kids do not need you at everything. They need you to be honest about when you will be there and then actually be there.
Co-parenting makes this harder
When you are co-parenting, you do not get every night. You do not get every weekend. The schedule is the schedule, and you work around it. That is just the reality.
What I learned is that the time you do have matters more than the amount of it. A fully present Tuesday night dinner beats a distracted full weekend every time. My kids can tell when I am checking email under the table. They could always tell.
Losing my mother shaped all of this
My mother Joyce died by suicide when I was 22 months old. I do not have memories of her. I have a few photos, some stories from family, and the knowledge that she was not there for any of it.
That shapes every decision I make as a parent. I show up because I know what it looks like when someone does not. Not in the motivational poster sense. In the real, lived-it sense. My kids will never wonder whether their father wanted to be in the room. That is not negotiable.
The thing nobody tells you
You can be a good parent and a good professional. You cannot be both at the same time. Not really. The sooner you stop trying to split your attention and start choosing who gets your full presence in any given moment, the better everything gets.
Josie is older now. She texts instead of calls. And I do not say maybe. I say yes or I say I cannot, and she trusts both answers because I earned that back one kept promise at a time.
About Khary Penebaker
Khary Penebaker is Division President at MetalMaster-RoofMaster, the Upper Midwest division of Wolkow Braker Roofing Corp. He previously built Roofed Right America from startup to $35M+ in revenue with 180 employees (2014-2025) and founded Penebaker Enterprises, growing it from $1.5M to $15M. A gun violence prevention advocate and former Everytown for Gun Safety Fellow, Khary brings two decades of leadership in commercial roofing, architectural sheet metal, and civic engagement.
Common questions
How do you balance career ambition with being a present parent?
You do not balance it. You choose which one gets your full attention in any given moment. The guilt comes from trying to split focus. The peace comes from being fully where you are.
How does personal loss affect your parenting?
Losing my mother when I was 22 months old shaped every parenting decision I make. I show up because I know what it means when someone does not.
Can you be a good parent and a good leader at the same time?
The skills transfer more than people think. Patience, listening, setting boundaries, following through. The difference is your kids will tell you when you are wrong faster than your employees will.
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Last updated: June 28, 2026